Going Rogue as the Pathway to Liberation: From Self-Abandonment to Self-Belonging

I started “going rogue” when I was two. With my pointer finger raised, I exclaimed, “No!” to a Desi man who wanted to hold me because he thought I was beautiful. This toddler had strength by following an inner knowing of self-belonging to risk disappointing others. That divine light within made me different from what was expected of me and paved the way for my liberation in the years to come. 

Throughout early life though, I learned how to play small, hide, and mask my true self. It wasn’t safe to be me in the world. I was met by American and Desi society with rejection, criticism, punishment, humiliation, and shame. It was ingrained in me to respect my elders and be their definition of “good and successful.” I found myself in codependent dynamics with people in authority, or those with whom I perceived had power over me, and had to self-abandon and shrink to survive. Parts of me had to inhabit the roles of people-pleaser, care-taker, fixer, perfectionist, and over-achiever. I shape-shifted into the nickname “Kulky” and did what I was supposed to do to keep a false sense of peace under the control of conditional love. 

At 17, I survived a major car crash that could have killed me. It sent me on a path of existential dread and relational despair. My dad supported me in applying to college; meanwhile, I didn’t understand why I survived nor did I feel understood in the aftermath.

I entered into an era of responsible rebellion; I got my first tattoo, pierced my tongue, and smoked cannabis, all while still being dutiful. Going rogue in those ways was liberation at that time, but also desperate gestures of puffing up to reclaim authenticity, poke back at authority, and resist what was assumed of me as a first-generation South Asian-American, assigned female at birth, and the first child of immigrant parents. Each of these identities carried burdens of expectations to be straight, domestic, smart, thin, and pretty, to get along and go along, to be useful, strong, successful, and good. 

Schooling gifted me with wings to fly, but earning my degrees came at a cost. I dreamed of nurturing my talents by being a performance artist, but was told that wasn’t viable or sustainable. One program director of color shared feedback that I might not be as hireable for corporate jobs because being creative beyond expectations could be seen as someone they couldn't control, which is how I first learned the phrase “going rogue.” 

While I followed the dreams and advice of my elders, I insisted on finding my own way. I was rewarded for my authenticity by receiving first-place for a poster showcasing my contributions in community service, and by matching at my top site for internship. I was also interviewed by Chicago’s WGN Radio about my dissertation on cultivating a media literacy program to help youth navigate the complexities of pornography’s impact on their identities and relationships, which was ahead of its time. Majoring in psychology instead of medicine was another liberatory choice that gifted me with a deeper understanding of humanity, and it unveiled my purpose to serve the collective for healing trauma. 

I did well to fulfill my duties as a professional graduate student while delaying the presumptions of arranged marriage and raising a family. Yet, still entrapped in systemic expectations, my nervous system battled the imposter phenomenon by disembodying from my inner light. 

Then during my last semester of postdoctoral residency, I was guided by my therapist to attend an intensive retreat on somatic mindfulness self-compassion, which helped me get back into my body and connect with spirit. I was overwhelmed with relief and gratitude that I found myself again. Newly awakened, I realized that the decades of depression were actually symptoms of adversity from oppression. That clarity helped me to reclaim my Truth that I am fat, queer, and neurodivergent, which empowered me to become my own child-free Desi-American person. 

A week after this retreat, I received a tarot reading that spoke to this edge of either walking the path of expectation, which would inevitably end in my demise, or towards the unknown, which would undoubtedly be met with chaos and panic. I could have gone the familiar, known way but I’d still be met with chaos and panic from needing to survive that misaligned choice. Or I could move in alignment with my values and go the hard, new way that would ultimately become the path of authentic liberation and belonging to myself. 

Caught in a dilemma to either accept the job offer from Cornell and potentially have the typical adult Desi life, or go rogue and forge my own purposeful path, I had a crisis of doubt about moving forward with life in the expected ways. I called my dad for support and felt hurt when met with dismissal and criticism. I boldly exclaimed, “You care more about your ego than you do about me,” and then hung up the phone.

That risk was a painful catalyst that moved me away from my dad but closer to me. It emboldened me to decline the job offer and stay with my inner knowing. I became a Lyft driver to make ends meet while generating necessary space from my parents to help me study for my licensing exam. At my own pace and in my own style, I started healing and intentionally inhabiting new roles as trail-blazer and change-maker. I discovered my chosen family, my community, and my life partner. I got licensed and grew into my career calling while nurturing my passions as a performance artist. Even sweeter, I reclaimed my name, Kulkiran, which means “the rays of light that shine on the family.” 

I realize now that my parents also went rogue in immigrating to the US from India as the first of their families. Their generation had to be disempowered to resist certain socio-cultural expectations around assimilation for survival. They did their best looking out for their children who were being raised in America. I’m grateful to know that my mom was behind the scenes protecting me from arranged marriage. 

Although my parents might not fully understand me, I’m fortunate that they knew how to love me freely enough to let me go and trust that I’m okay finding my way. They’ve come to value and respect my choices and who I am. It’s been a blessing to nurture a transformative and wholesome relationship with each parent now. They ask better questions to understand me, make better attempts to validate me before inserting advice, and do better to honor my needs and boundaries without taking the differences personally. 

Even further, my parents invited me to showcase my talent as a drag artist for a large family gathering, and they lovingly welcome my trans partner with they/them pronouns. I’m fortunate to witness the intergenerational healing process in real time, and am grateful to see how these changes within them and in our relationships are also rippling out towards bettering their relationships with my younger siblings and others, too. 

It is a privilege and divine right to protect my peace and define what life means for me. These micro- and macro-liberatory movements were only made possible by the liberation I experienced in connection with loved ones, with spirit, and with my Self. I now know about and choose interdependent and unconditional love. 

Going rogue is a life-long process that is filled with uncertainty. The courage of doing so was worth it to save my life and bring me home to safely embody the divine light within. It also taught me how to see the pulse of divinity within others and nurture all relationships with loving-kindness